Peanut butter and . . . sap?

So Nick and I invited a couple of friends over for dinner tomorrow, so I've been straightening up the house a little bit while Nick is at work tonight. I was doing dishes when Gus went to the door and sat down (his code for let me out or I'll pee on the carpet). I let him out and he ran into the yard. He didn't come back to the door right away, so I left him outside for a little while, figuring he had found something to entertain himself. Boy was I right.

When I called him to come in, Gus barreled through the door and ran to his bed where his toys are. As I went over to throw his toy I smelled the unmistakable smell of pine sap. Oh boy. Gus had created a bed of sticks in our backyard and then proceeded to lay in it. All fine and dandy until I looked at his tummy and saw massive clumps of sap ALL OVER HIS STOMACH! He had a huge mass of sap and pine needles in his little armpit as well. I'm sitting there looking at him and wondering how the hell I'm going to clean him up and he's looking at me with a dumb puppy grin on his face like, "What Mom? I smell goooood!"

At this point I have sap all over my hands. I went to the sink to wash it off and guess what? It doesn't come off with soap or dishwashing liquid. The one lovely chemical that did take it off was bleach water. Fun times! Now my fingers are cracked and smell like bleach and Gus is still running around covered in sap. I briefly contemplated dipping him in bleach (not really, I'm not stupid . . . or evil), but decided to try my good friend google instead. The apparent answer to my question? Peanut butter.

So I get my jar of peanut butter and a roll of paper towels and I plop Gus down on his bed in the family room on his back. A wadded up paper towel works pretty well for getting globs of peanut butter onto globs of sap. At first I thought I was crazy. I mean, here I am sitting in my family room in sweats with a paper towel and puppy covered in pine-scented peanut butter. And Gus is happy as a clam attacking my peanut butter-covered hand and licking his stomach as I'm smearing the paste all over him. Crazy got worse when I started laughing at the ludicrousness of the situation and couldn't stop. Turns out that laughter is an important component of the peanut butter and sap equation. I rubbed in enough of the stuff (probably about half a cup or more) to make the stickiness go away. Now the question: how do I get the peanut butter off? And a more important question: How I keep my house from getting covered in peanut butter as I try to get it off the dog?

Answer: A bath and carry puppy-peanut-butter mess so I'm the only thing covered in it besides him. I drag him up the stairs along with a large cup, dog shampoo (smells like coconut!), and towels. He's not happy at this point. I won't let him lick himself and he just got a bath, so he is adamant that he doesn't need another one. (His face said, "Mom, I'll just lick it off! Really!") I finally get the tub filled and shampoo him up. Turns out peanut butter and coconut don't smell very good when paired. However, dog shampoo does get peanut butter out of a dog's coat. One thing it doesn't do is help me to stop laughing, which I haven't been able to do since crazy set in. Gus's super sad no-more-yummy-tasty-goop-on-me face wasn't helping. I was actually crying at this point and my stomach hurt from laughing so much.

Now my upstairs guest bath is a mess and Gus is having his typical tweak attack after a bath and guess where he wants to go? Outside. To play in his sap nest. My answer:

HELL NO! (And I'm still laughing!)

. . . And who knew about the multiple uses of the magical thing called peanut butter? With Gus being, well Gus, I better keep a couple jars on hand . . .