Why?

5 police officers senselessly shot down in the span of a month. Why? How am I supposed to send my husband off to work every day without a feeling of panic? How can I sleep knowing he's out there doing his job, which causes him to put his life on the line every shift? When do the feelings of helplessness and anger go away?

If you are not the wife or husband of a police officer, you can't possibly understand this feeling. We knowingly send our best friends, lovers, and other halves out to risk their lives because we support them. We know they love their jobs. It's an integral part of who they are and we're proud of them for that and proud to call them "husband" or "wife." But that does not make it any easier. I watch my husband drive away at the beginning of every shift. I bring his lunch out to his car and I tell him, "Be safe, drive safe, come home to me safe" every night. I wave as he leaves to go out to this unpredictable job, not knowing what could happen to him in the span of his eight hour shift. I pray to God every day that He will bring my husband home safely every night. And I do this five days a week. Then I try to find some way to occupy my time so that I don't dwell on Nick's job and his safety all night long. I watch Friends over and over again. I clean. I read. I call my mom and chat about mindless topics. All are coping mechanisms. All are things we spouses must learn and cultivate over the course of our officers' careers. There is no knowing, so teetering on the brink of panic on a daily basis is something we understand completely.

I hope that explanation gives some insight into this situation for those of us who wait at home, praying for the return of our loved ones. Asking us how we are doing will always elicit the same response: "I'm fine." It's a lie, but we don't want to talk about it. Part of the coping is keeping those scary thoughts at bay with the mundane routine of life. Give us a hug or chat about anything else, but don't ask us how we are doing. We're not fine, but you can't understand and trying to explain it only makes it worse for us. We pray, we love, we laugh, we cherish the small moments, and yet our hearts still break every time they go on duty.

Prayers for the families of the officers slain this past month. Love and support from those of us who understand.